Constant Battle

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I’m in a constant battle between opening up to someone and the fear of bothering them and being rejected.

As I already mentioned in a comment I actually don’t have any friends. Well, there is this one guy I dated a few times and in these times I felt at least somehow stable. But I’ve never talked to him about my problem – I’ve mentioned it and realized, he wouldn’t understand, so I let it be. There’s also another friend I’m doing some soccer things at times – I ❤ soccer! – but when I told her about my PBD diagnose she only commented: “Who told you THIS shit?!? You never ever are a borderline person!” Before she told me not to feel so sorry for myself, everyone would have his battles or ups and downs. … Sometimes I think, if only would be someone there who could give me a hug or some distraction without judging me, or if I just knew someone would be there ‘in case’ I might feel a bit better – more ‘secure’.

But there’s always this fear of not being understood and pissing people off with my ‘problem’.

7 thoughts on “Constant Battle”

  1. Hello. I understand your fear, it’s my fear too. So many puerile don’t understand, can’t understand, and aren’t willing to try. So many people have a skewed view of what bpd is. That makes it hard. But also having bpd in the first place. I am constantly wanting to reach out, but fearing that I am bothering people or that they will get scared of me and go away, our that they will get tired of me and go away. These fears, despite what therapists say, are completely valid, I think. Progress do get scared, tired, and annoyed. They do go away, sometimes for a little while to take care of themselves, sometimes forever. The problem is not knowing which it is. And as for people understanding, well, here is one person who understands and cares. Talk to me if you need to.
    Sending a mental hug your way.

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  2. I only told 2 people when I got my BPD dx and they had similar reactions – my ex (long ago, kids’ dad) said I was just ‘untameable’ and a friend who knows me quite well, but only via email said there was ‘no way’ I was BPD because I moved toward love rather than away from it. It was really invalidating on both counts.

    It’s not that I want to be disordered, but I have always known there was something ‘off’ about me and BPD explained a lot — I don’t plan on telling anybody else anytime soon (but, like you say, actually having that conversation would feel too much like bothering them anyway 🙂 )

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