Today my boss told me that we’re going to have a talk tomorrow as I am now working there since 4 weeks – just a review, he said. But I can’t stop thinking about it. I am full of fear and shame of some few mistakes I’ve made. No serious mistakes at all, yet I feel like I’ve done everything wrong. Actually I would have needed feedback. I can’t evaluate myself whether I am doing a proper job or not. And this leads to insecurity and a lot of self-doubts. Maybe this bad feeling about myself is also intensified from my reactions when I get criticized: I can’t just take it in, I always have to find an explanation, an excuse why I did something – or, much worse: I react aggressive, pissed off or accuse someone else for my mistake. And though my therapist recently told me, not to be too hard to myself I can’t do anything but damn myself.
I just don’t want to go back there .. but I have to, I need this job – for my kids ..
In about two weeks I will start in a new job. Though I’m already afraid I have great hopes that it will be a good thing. Having a regularly daily schedule should be better than staying at home all the time and being unsatisfied about how less I yet get done. So, being positive about these changes I set myself some goals. For example, I’d like to reach at least a low level of fitness. But for this I’d have to go running – and since now (I started setting my goals one week ago) I didn’t manage it. Either I didn’t feel ‘fit’ enough (!) or the weather was to bad, I stayed in bed too long … But I really want it. Somehow. And failing every day lowers my self esteem, makes me sick and self hating. Ugh – how to conquer one’s weaker self? How to motivate myself when there are so many excuses?
Today I posted this picture on facebook. My best friend commented: “Well, then just start doing it.” … Ha, ha, ha! If it would be that easy I WOULD just do it. Somedays I really try to survive somehow. Like yesterday and earlier today when the urge to release the tension and anxiety inside of me through self harming was so hard to resist. But my son told me to stop it as it looks so ugly (it really does!). So I just tried to survive – to go somehow through this without cutting myself. I guess some of you would know how exhausting this can be. Obviously not everyone has this understanding. And that’s why I – again – decided to stop talking about it, about how I am, how I feel. Because lack of understanding from others, yet from best friends, causes a feeling of rejection .. and this in turn brings back the tension and the urge to self harm.
Should I? Should I not?
Since I’m awake today I’m considering whether I want to join the traditional ‘Christmas-Cookies-Reunion’ with our ex-neighbours or not. Actually I’d rather stay at home, alone, not having to talk to anyone. But I know it would be better for me to go out, meet people, have some distraction from thinking all the time about anything that’s going wrong with me – with my life. And this makes me mad! Not being able to make a decision … thinking constantly about the pro’s and con’s. It may sound stupid making such a drama about such a little issue – and this makes me more angry about myself. At the same time I feel so immature, helpless, desperate … hating myself.
The voices are getting too loud … I should *cut them out* …
I don’t know how to stand this any longer. This wish, this urge to cut myself. I’m so restless and this anxiety spreading around in my stomach makes me sick and crazy. It would be such a relief seeing the blood dripping, knowing I’d instantly feel better.
BUT, the problem is I don’t want to because:
- The kids are around. And as they are already rather understanding and permissively I don’t want to put some more strain on them.
- There soon will be no more space! Only cutting the arm brings THE feeling. So it already looks like a battlefield 😦
Therefore I’m trying everything to distract myself from it with writing, seeking for alternatives, etc. Though I haven’t found an alternative yet. Even my therapist found it’s possibly the only way for me (currently at least). And as I explained him, how I experience the process, he assumed that it may be kind of a cosy act … somehow he’s right.
Still, I try to resist …
Yesterday a co-worker, or so-to-say the manager (most of the time he acts more like a co-worker than a boss) came to me and said: “I just wanted to ask you something .. What’s this on your arm actually?” Well, I knew this question would come some day as I don’t hide my scars/wounds quite well and often it looks rather ugly. I always thought I would be able to answer something like: this is my way to cope with my weaknesses, or something else. But yesterday I was so perplexed that I only mumbled: “Uhm, nothing!”
It was so embarrassing.
And I really don’t know how to handle this. There’s this urge to cut quite often recently and as I mentioned in another post, the only space where I get the feeling of relief is on my arm. Yet it looks like I can’t ‘use’ it any longer – at least as long as I’m not able to speak about it. (Hiding is impossible as I would have to put a patch over my whole underarm and working with long sleeves: I would die because of getting so hot.)
The irony thereby: not knowing where to cut or how to speak about it almost triggers the urge to cut again.
I don’t know what to do. Self harming gets more and more the only thing that brings me relief. But I’m running out of space. For what reason ever I need to do it on my arm. Cutting the legs simply does not bring this feeling.
Actually it’s the fear what tears me down. Fear of what? I don’t know! But it takes my breath away and makes me paralyzed. I can’t stand this any longer.
I hate myself.
I hate myself for doing nothing, for just hanging around. And today I lost my battle. I lost the battle against my own thoughts. Just one day I wanted – tried so hard – not to think about my moods. Just live and doing the stuff I’m supposed to do. But I lost. The thoughts, the feelings came over me like a huge wave. There was no escape.
And my legs hurt. I can’t (mis)use my arms any more, because I am starting in a new job this weekend. It is only a temporary job. Mostly one day per week and when one of the other employees goes on holidays or takes a day off. Though I am really excited about it. It is a job at one of my favourite soccer clubs (and I love soccer!). But there is this big fear. Of loosing control over myself, over my behaviour. I faced these problems already in my last job. Sometimes I say or do something of which in the first instance I am convinced that it is completely okay. But afterwards I realize – or worse: get the feedback – it was the opposite. It was completely wrong. That I hurt other people, do things which are totally amiss. Yup, my self perception fails – way too often.
Yesterday my sister confirmed my concerns (without having asked her!): Not only is she convinced that I am obsessed about my disease. (Maybe she’s right, but this doesn’t help a lot – it makes it more difficult for me to find the right way through it.) In her eyes I act like a 16 year old teen, at least concerning my appearance in public (she referred to some of my pictures on other internet platforms or profile pictures of messaging apps). Ugh! … What should I say? She may be right here, too. But: It is damn hard to represent yourself in an appropriate way when you don’t know who you are!
And hating yourself for what you (or think you) are doesn’t make it easier …
P.S.: Sorry, my English sucks today!
I feel so guilty.
My home is a mess. My life is a mess. And I’m not able to cope with any of my problems. I want to be a good mom. But how can I when there is no motivation? How to manage doing basic stuff when there’s this big emptiness? Here’s where the vicious circle starts: wanting so desperately to be another person – no idea how to become this – shame – hopelessness – self hate – even less motivation … I’m just useless!
Endless self hate.